Trump Hires United To Handle Deportations

Immigrants wait to be "deplaned" in California.

(Washington, D.C.)   Praising their effectiveness at dealing with "problem" people, President Trump today hired United Airlines to handle all future deportations of immigrants.

"They suck as an airline anyway," Trump said slicing a tee shot into the rough on the 5th hole of another golf course he owns. "They might as well be doing something they're clearly good at." The move is being praised by both Republicans and Democrats who have at any time flown "the friendly skies." "Everything about it was terrible," House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said from the coffin she sleeps in when the sun's out. "If there's one thing they shouldn't be doing, it's flying," she said.

11 million immigrants currently need to be "deplaned" from America and "reboarded" somewhere else. A number too massive for traditional avenues of deportation. "He's really thinking outside the box," Customs Agent Mike Guilroy said from his border checkpoint 50 miles inside the country in Arizona. "We can't do it all. I mean, we're doing our best here, but there's just so many of them," he said demanding ID from a carful of people with out-of-state plates who turned out to just on vacation. "I just wish we had armrests to crack their heads against like United does. That was some really inspired work."