Attorney General Harshing Nation’s Mellow

Buzzkill Jeff Sessions is bringing us all down, man.

(Washington, D.C.)  With his announcement that federal prosecutors will begin enforcing federal laws criminalizing marijuana, Attorney General Jeff Sessions harshed the nation’s mellow today.

”Not cool, bro,” California pot smoker Kevin Janisson said tapping away at his X-Box controller. “Not cool at all. That’s, like, bullshit actually. I smoke weed all the time and it seems like going to jail for it would be, like, bullshit. It’s like this Sessions cat is having a total freak-out.”

Sessions rescinded the Cole Memo, an Obama administration directive instructing prosecutors not to prioritize federal marijuana statutes in states that allow medical and recreational marijuana use. Squares have hailed the move. 

“Finally,” lame nerd Steven Philippio said from the church basement where he sits with his friends and complains about others having fun. “The people who smoke grass are always murderers and rapists. Always. Everybody knows that,” he said to a room full of pimple-faced dorks.

Still, there are many in the U.S. who enjoy the devil’s lettuce and smoke it often. For them, today’s announcement is a real drag. “Bummer,” commented known stoner Diana Crump of Eugene, OR. Crump, a day trader who makes a 6-figure salary, smokes everyday. “I dig it, man,” she said taking rips from a glass bong shaped like a wizard. “This Sessions thing is so not cool. It’s got me a little worried. I’m, like, not even chill about it.”

Others in the doper community echoed Crump’s words. “How am I supposed to enjoy this fat jay with all this government crap hanging over our heads?” pot addict Suri Masturahi said taking a long drag on a finger-sized marijuana cigarette. “It almost ruins it,” she said while holding the smoke in her lungs for as long as she could before exhaling a volcanic like cloud of thick smoke. “Almost.”